Have you ever noticed that convicts, outlaws, bikers, and old stoners ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS claim to be "part Cherokee on my mother's side"? What's up with that?

Restauranteur Elaine Kaufman of Elaine's Restaurant in NYC, surrounded by some of her distinguished clientele from amongst the creme de la creme of the New York literati.

A friend recently told me they saw a picture of Elaine Kaufman in Vanity Fair, and that looking at it, they immediately thought of me -- me in the future. And having been obsessed, from about the 6th grade on, with Elaine's and the whole decadent, hilarious, brilliant, literary mist that swirls about the place, I must say that I was intrigued by her comparison. So, I googled Elaine -- who by all accounts has a reputation for being a well-read, whip-smart, bawdy, rollicking, belly laugher of a broad -- and sure as shit...it is DEAD-ON like looking in a mirror into the future.

Accompanying one of the pictures I found of her was an interview she did with The New York Times where, when asked how she finds the energy to keep doing it after all these years, she pursed her lips and answered, "If you slow down, you fuckin' die, honey!"

By the way, in case you hadn't already guessed it, despite her quick and erudite mind, and the esteemed company she keeps (up until his death in 2003, the writer George Plimpton was one of her closest friends and is pictured here above her right shoulder), "fuck" is apparently her favorite word, and she feels free to pepper her language with it quite liberally. If you google "Elaine Kaufman" and "fuck", the results are positively breathtaking.

There's a story about Elaine, told by New York journalist Bob Drury, that pretty much sums her up. I shall let him tell it:

And, of course, there was Elaine’s—Elaine Kaufman, she loved reporters and cops. I had met her back when I was a kid sportswriter, maybe seven or eight years earlier. A literary agent owed me 11k—a lordly sum at the time for me; even today now that I think about it—and he was hosting an afternoon party at Elaine’s for another one of his clients. When I arrived at the door he was greeting people and handed me the check. I didn’t know anybody so I slinked over to a corner of the bar and ordered a beer. When I went to pay, and the bartender told me it was an open bar, I jacked him a two-spot tip. Three or four more beers later, three or four more $2 tips later, I notice that there’s this, er, zaftig women giving me the voodoo eye from a couple of bar stools down.

I stand up and start to say, “Hi. My name is ...” and she holds a hand up and cuts me off.

"I know who the fuck you are. I saw Jay give you that check for eleven grand when you walked in and I’ve been watching you tip my bartender with every drink. My name’s Elaine, and you're welcome in my place any fuckin' time.”

It seems she and I have a lot more in common than just a hair-do, funny glasses, a zest for living, and a fondness for black dresses and smart men.

Some parents tease their daughter's hair into complicated, lacquered bouffants, dress them up in frilly frocks, and force them to strut the runways of childhood beauty pageants -- still others cheer theirs on at rough and tumble sporting events, providing encouragement, Gatorade, and regular mullet maintenance at the neighborhood Supercuts.

But me? When you are born a child of mine...THIS is how you bring a proud tear to your mother's eye, goddamnit. My hilarious and amazing daughter, Anne (who is now a senior in high school), when she was 8, in a commercial written and directed by the absolutely brilliant Billy Butler:

1. Name a movie that you have seen more than 10 times:

Hard Day’s Night, The Godfather Trilogy, What’s Up, Doc?, The Royal Tenenbaums, Pulp Fiction, Arthur, Amelie, To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar. These, among countless others, have been my film school –- and continue to be so.

2. Name a movie that you've seen multiple times in a theatre:

Excalibur, Rocky Horror Picture Show.

3. Name an actor that would make you more inclined to see a movie:

We always support the ever-marvelous work of Ed Harris, Bill Murray, Gene Hackman, Clive Owen, Cate Blanchett, Helen Mirren, and Angelica Huston.

4. Name a movie that you keep meaning to see but just haven't gotten around to it:

I can’t think of one I haven’t yet seen because I haven’t gotten around to it, but I can tell you one that I have never seen and will never see: Schindler’s List. No can do, hombre. I would seriously have to be hospitalized. I was horribly traumatized for weeks after watching the opening sequence of Saving Private Ryan, no lie. I think Schindler's List would destroy me.

5. What movie do you wish you had never seen?

Christ, that horseshit Bob Dylan biopic that was out last year, whatever it was called –- I must’ve blocked the name from the sheer trauma endured…although Cate Blanchett, of course, was absolutely brilliant.

6. Name an actor that would make you less likely to see a movie:

Oh, lord, there are positively scads –- but the worst offenders are Meg Ryan with that rubbery mouth, Renee Zellwegger with that sour, bulimia-swollen face, Nicolas Cage with all that NO-talent meathookieness, and Tom Cruise with ALL THAT MOTHERFUCKING CRAZY.

7. Name a movie that you can quote from at will:

Hard Day’s Night, What’s Up, Doc, Animal House, The Big Lebowski; the list is endless.

8. Name a movie musical that you know all the lyrics to all the songs:

Fame, The Sound of Music, Grease, Moulin Rouge, Rocky Horror; the list is endless.

9. Name a movie that you have been known to sing along with:

Oh, a redundant prick, are we? Grease –- and my fatass can do the Hand Jive like the goddamned wind.

10. Name a movie that you would recommend everyone see:

The Godfather and Lawrence of Arabia. If you have seen neither of these, Fuck Off, Lady. Get thee to a Netflix because you don’t know what a brilliant film is.

11. Name a movie that you own:

Amelie, The Royal Tennenbaums, The Queen, The Godfather Trilogy, Lawrence of Arabia, Dead Poet’s Society, Breakfast with Andre, The Warriors, The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, Animal House, Ghostbusters; the list is endless.

12. Name an actor that launched his/her entertainment career in another medium but who has surprised you with his/her acting chops:

Mark Wahlberg and Cher.

13. Have you ever seen a movie in a drive-in theatre:

I have done many things at a drive-in theatre -- watched a movie, even.

14. Ever made out in a movie?

Honey, I have snorted blow off a hooker’s ass in a movie. Okay, so maybe that's a filthy lie -- but I have peed in a Taco Bell cup.

15. Ever walked out of a movie:

Only one: Club Paradise. It was some shitty 80’s movie with legions of shitty comedians who, undoubtedly whilst on a major coke binge, must’ve slurred to each other, “Hey! Let’s all fly to a tropical island and just roll camera and see what brilliance ensues!” SO. FUCKING. NO.

16. Name a movie that made you cry in the theater:

Christ, what movie hasn’t made me cry? I cry every five. Umm...Sophie’s Choice, Reds, Titanic, Saving Private Ryan, The Turning Point, Terms of Endearment, ET, Pan's Labyrinth, Ratatouille. Everything makes me cry –- happy, sad, mournful, merry, I cry. The list is endless.

17. Popcorn?:

A given –- and that’s non-negotiable, even if I am otherwise stringently dieting. For me, a dark movie theatre is a place that exists between worlds, therefore the same rules need not apply. Don’t like it? Fuck off, lady.

18. How often do you go to the movies:

Whenever there is a promising one playing, we go.

19. What's the last movie you saw in the theater:

Burn After Reading.

20. What is your favorite/preferred genre of movie:

I definitely like a good, small, tight, brilliant, well-written, inspired, “indy” film –- like Little Miss Sunshine, Superbad, Juno, or Slumdog Millionaire. But I also LOVE a good documentary or a good action film, as well. Trust me, I would let Jason Bourne put it anywhere he wanted to.

21. What was the first movie you remember seeing in the theater:

Oh, lord, it was probably some Disney film or other at the Tower Theatre in Fresno when I was a small child –- maybe “The Computer That Wore Tennis Shoes” or “Fantasia” or something like that. Movies have been a constant as far back as I can remember. Along with books and tv, they are honestly what saved me. They showed me how I wanted to live my life and what I wanted to do with that life. I can honestly say that the best parts of me were forged by my exposure to and inspiration from movies, television, and books.

22. What is the weirdest movie you enjoyed:

Oddly enough, even though I am definitely considered REALLY weird by most, I’m not really a weird movie sort of person. I mean, if something feels too weird to me, I immediately smell forced and contrived and self-conscious all over it…and therefore, I tend to be generally annoyed and disdainful. Weird just for weird's sake makes me want to kick ass. Maybe Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory –- is that weird? Or how about The Big Lebowski. Hmm…maybe my weird gauge needs recalibrating.

23. What is the scariest movie you've ever seen:

Rosemary’s Baby and The Shining.

24. What is the funniest movie you've ever seen:

It’s a dead tie between two of my most favorite and personally inspiring films of all time: What’s Up, Doc? and Arthur. In fact, it would not be overstating it to say that these two films –- along with Phyllis Diller, Don Rickles, The Rat Pack, and The Dean Martin Celebrity Roast –- are why I do what I do and why I am who I am today.

When was the last time you saw a commercial and the very first question you wanted answered was, "Ummm...who the fuck made that??"

Well, for me, the answer is never. Never, not a single time, have I ever seen a commercial and immediately wanted to know, "Who on earth created that?"

Until now.

For whatever whines or gripes you might have about crass consumerism, gender stereotyping, and the like, do me a small favor and pull the calcified stick outcha humorless ass for just a moment and watch what is perhaps the most clever and entertaining advertisement I have seen in a long, long time. Watching it, I found myself, more than once, actually belly laughing out loud. The writing, acting, and directing in this bit is purely brilliant -- and whoever it was at Saatchi & Saatchi that created this compelling piece of WIN needs to get their fatass out of the advertising bidness and into making films. Why? Not because advertising isn't a noble and worthwhile cause -- given the right project and visionary approach (oh, and THE RIGHT FUCKING PRICE, as well), it certainly can be...particularly from the viewpoint of a writer/whore like myself.

No, I want them to make films because I want to watch them, goddamnit -- and since I am the reigning QueenSize SizeQueen of the Universe, that makes me The Boss of You and that means my fatass makes the rules. So mote it be, motherfuckers.

Now...FOLD!

The latest meme that all the cool kids are doing:

If you saw me in the back of a police car, what would you think I got arrested for?

"Let the word go forth from this time and place, to friend and foe alike, that the torch has been passed to a new generation of Americans—born in this century, tempered by war, disciplined by a hard and bitter peace, proud of our ancient heritage—and unwilling to witness or permit the slow undoing of those human rights to which this Nation has always been committed, and to which we are committed today at home and around the world.

Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, in order to assure the survival and the success of liberty.

This much we pledge—and more.

So let us begin anew—remembering on both sides that civility is not a sign of weakness, and sincerity is always subject to proof. Let us never negotiate out of fear. But let us never fear to negotiate.

Let both sides explore what problems unite us instead of belaboring those problems which divide us.

Let both sides, for the first time, formulate serious and precise proposals for the inspection and control of arms—and bring the absolute power to destroy other nations under the absolute control of all nations.

Let both sides seek to invoke the wonders of science instead of its terrors. Together let us explore the stars, conquer the deserts, eradicate disease, tap the ocean depths, and encourage the arts and commerce.

All this will not be finished in the first one hundred days. Nor will it be finished in the first one thousand days; nor in the life of this Administration; nor even perhaps in our lifetime on this planet. But let us begin."

-- John F. Kennedy, Inaugural Address excerpt, 20 January, 1961

"The people will save their government, if the government itself will allow them."
-- Abraham Lincoln

Think I fucking don't?

From audrawilliams:

1. Stop talking about politics for a moment or two.

2. Post a reasonably-sized picture in your LJ, NOT under a cut tag, of something pleasant, such as an adorable kitten, or a fluffy white cloud, or a bottle of booze. Something that has NOTHING TO DO WITH POLITICS. Something that makes you happy.

3. Include these instructions, and share the love.

4. Fuck off, lady. I've never been very good at following instructions. Here are five pictures of things that fill me with happiness and rapture every day of my life.


Gregory


Beastie


The Baby Goat


Otis


My bestest friend, Satania

Keep your fingers crossed.

As we wait for the close of the polls this evening, hopefully bringing with it the news of a victory for all that is right and good and true in this country, it is time to reflect on the many small gestures that are happening all around us now...the small globes of light that will show us the way back to who and what we were as a nation, and what we will be once again. We have forgotten who and what we are.

The eighty-something African-American woman who, last week, with tears in her eyes and trembling hands, was helped by her great-grandson into a voting booth in North Carolina so that she could vote for the very first time in her life.

The everyday citizens holding massive, organized neighborhood bake-a-thons and setting up tables with free homemade cookies, cupcakes, and hot coffee for all the hundreds of people waiting in line for hours in the bitter cold to cast their votes in this historic election. Just because.

The countless volunteers who have given so much of their time and passion to ensuring that people are able to participate in a free, fair, and just election.

Another such moment happened September 19th, 2007 in the city of San Diego. Jerry Sanders, the Republican mayor of that fair city by the sea, held a press conference to announce that, after much soul-searching, not only had he reversed his long-held public opposition to same-sex marriage, but that he would immediately be signing a City Council resolution in support of the rights of gays and lesbians to marry in the state of California. He has also recently announced that he officially opposes Proposition 8.

Sander's statement and decision was unprecedented: a prominent Republican mayor of a major metropolitan American city has now officially and publicly thrown his full support in opposition to Proposition 8 -- a proposition of hatred, intolerance, and discrimination whose sole purpose is to change the California constitution to eliminate the right of same-sex couples to marry.

Sanders, with his wife, Rana, standing by his side, stepped up to the podium and delivered a poignant and emotional speech that not only went against everything his party and quite sizable (and moneyed) political constituency stands for (surprisingly enough, despite being a laid back beach community, San Diego is a well-known Republican stronghold), the Republican mayor of the sixth largest city in the country did what is perhaps the bravest, most amazing thing I have ever witnessed a politician do:

Because of his love for his openly gay, 25 year old daughter, Lisa, and his profound hope that she be afforded the same rights, privileges, and responsibilities of marriage should she so choose, he set aside his own personal and political interests, and at great cost to himself, voted with his heart:

"I have close family members and friends who are a member of the gay and lesbian community. Those folks include my daughter Lisa, as well as members of my personal staff.

I want for them the same thing that we all want for our loved ones—for each of them to find a mate whom they love deeply and who loves them back; someone with whom they can grow old together and share life’s experiences.

And I want their relationships to be protected equally under the law. In the end, I couldn’t look any of them in the face and tell them that their relationship—their very lives—were any less meaningful than the marriage I share with my wife Rana."



So shines a good deed in a weary world.




By the way, if you can get through that video unmoved, please take a moment out of your busy schedule to unfriend me now, as you and I got nothin' further to talk about, baby.


Also, please join me in contacting the office of Mayor Jerry Sanders to thank him for his courage and to let him know that, despite the great personal and professional cost to himself, he made the correct choice by taking a stand on behalf of equality and social justice.

He needs to be told that even if we lose this battle, we have not lost the war. The fight for equality for all Americans, regardless of their sexual preference or orientation, will go on.

And most importantly, he needs to be told that in the future, when the sort of hate, intolerance, and discrimination put forth by this proposition and all who support it, is, alongside slavery and racism, but a sad, shameful footnote in the great story of America, that he will be judged by history to have been a good and decent man who, for the love of his daughter and all those like her, risked much to do the right thing.


The Office of the Mayor of San Diego:

JerrySanders@sandiego.gov
(619) 236-6330

Guess whose wicked fatass will be sauntering about in Minnesota on family bidness all this week?

Yeah. Minne-fucking-sota, baby.

And believe you me, it's certainly not my family's bidness to which I shall be dutifully attending. Minnesota is far too...umm, help me out here -- what's the word I'm looking for? Oh, yes...too white for anybody related to my trashy brown Fresno ass to have arisen hence.

When someone in my family gets sick, do we fly out to Mayo Clinic to seek the best medical care on the planet? Oh, hell, no. We heal ourselves, goddamnit: we get a new tattoo of the Tasmanian Devil giving the finger, gamble rent money at the Indian casino, squander food stamps on pork rinds and Little Debbie cakes, snort trucker speed off a hooker's ass, work overtime on the midway, fuck a cousin...you know, the usual homeopathic curatives of the working class.

While I am out there -- aside from providing affection and care for said family member -- I hope to take in a little of the local color (which, by all current chilly meteorological accounts, is apparently snow white), get some much-needed writing done, and, weather permitting, maybe even do a little canvassing for my man, Barack. Any of you Gophers got any activity or sightseeing suggestions for an old West Coast hooker?

And you just know I'm a tried and true So Cal tart because I'm excited beyond belief simply by the fact that I actually get to pull my old black witch coat out of the back of my closet and cloak myself in her lovely, cozy embrace for a time. She gets so lonely out here on the coast. Hurray for the blustery weather!

It is 91 degrees in Los Angeles as I write this.

Talk about your afternoon belly cry.

From a really amazing and revealing photographic retrospective of the historic campaign of Barack Obama:



These two boys waited as a long line of adults greeted Senator Obama before a rally on Martin Luther King Day in Columbia, S.C. They never took their eyes off of him. Their grandmother told me, "Our young men have waited a long time to have someone to look up to, to make them believe Dr. King's words can be true for them."

-- Jan. 21, 2008.

I love being alive right now.

I love the technical brilliance and limitless imaginations of the young people in this country. They so get the fucking joke, you know? The way I see it, they hold the distinct honor of being the first generation in this country who were born getting the joke.

In fact, they wrote the joke; they are writing it every day.

And I firmly believe that, in the end, their profound imagination, vision, humor, ingenuity, and belief that anything is possible -- because it is -- are precisely what is going to save us all.

Youth is King.

All Hail Youth.

"So, Pan," said Hook at last, "this is all your doing."

"Aye, James Hook," came the stern answer, "it is all my doing."

"Proud and insolent youth," said Hook, "prepare to meet thy doom."

"Dark and sinister man," Peter answered, "have at thee."

-- J.M. Barrie, "Peter Pan", 1906

I think that writer David Sedaris said it best when he recently opined that being an undecided voter in an election such as this one -- with the shall we say interesting choice of candidates being offered -- is pretty much like when you're on a plane and the flight attendant approaches your row during the dinner hour and inquires:

"Excuse me, sir. Could I interest you in the chicken? Or, would you prefer the platter of human shit...with broken glass in it?"

It's the undecided voter who asks, "Umm...how is the chicken cooked?"

“Now the war has come, bringing with it a new attitude. Youth has turned to gods we of an earlier day knew not, and it is possible to see already the direction in which those who come after us will move. The younger generation, conscious of strength and tumultuous, have done with knocking at the door; they have burst in and seated themselves in our seats. The air is noisy with their shouts.”

-- Somerset Maugham, “The Moon and Sixpence”, 1919


This is what hope looks like, indeed -- hope and revolution.

Hope and revolution as far and wide as the eye can see.


Barack Obama, St. Louis, 18 October, 2008.

Ride like the wind, you toady son-of-a-bitch. RIDE!

God knows a little toss of Lame Duck Salad is always good -- but I do hope ol' Dirty Johnny also gave him a little reach-around...you know, as a going away present, just for old time's sake -- old being the operative word, of course.

God, this shit is SO good. May many blessings rain down upon all those bored, irreverent, ruthless, hormone-fueled 14 year old boys in Ames, Iowa who create this brilliant shit in the first place.

Shantih. Shantih. Shantih.

And amen.